It is generally believed that one requires another to love. I disagree now. A guest at my own wedding, my brothers walk me under a sheet of crisscrossed marigolds. For authenticity, pigeons are tied by their feet to the thatched roofs of the food village stalls. They have starved me for two days. Such is tradition. On the happiest day of my life, I am told not to smile, maintain dignity, keep my gaze to the ground.
In my father’s bathroom floor, my water breaks into the gushing Ganges. I find my feet running for the mop without another thought. My will does not win. It was never mine to begin with. I am on all fours, a mammal on the marble floor, no scope to be demure. My baby knocks in tidal waves, drowns and saves me enough. When it’s all done, they crowd around him, cooing.
I sit in a sunlit corner of this world, falling in love with myself for the first time.
Dr Tulika Jha is a psychiatrist and an activist combining health and social justice principles to disrupt and build care that is reciprocal and collective beyond expert and patient boundaries. After 25 years of experience in the NHS, she is taking time away to focus on organising and collaborating care in a way that is not at the expense of the caregivers, is led by care receivers and is aligned with larger socio-political landscapes and alternative epistemologies This involves both written and spoken poetry and prose because she believes that creativity is a strong agent for change. She has written and spoken for British Bilingual Poetry Collective2022, Mad hearts annual conference by QUMUL 2021, Compassion for Health Care 2022 and her poem, ‘MAD,BAD,SAD: 3 phases of Activism’ was published in the psychoanalytic book Burden of Heritage by Dr Aileen Alleyne, Karnac Press 2022.
You can find Tulika on X @tulikawriting and Instagram @tulikajha.
